Dreams

I believe in the power of dreams.  They say dreams are our brain's way of sorting out our thoughts and letting our mind rest.  I tend to have colorful, sometimes vivid dreams, but rarely have nightmares.  My dreams usually involve quite creative, sometimes intricate stories and serve different purposes.  For example, when I'm really stressed, I usually have a dream about being in college and specifically, the Michigan Marching Band when I was carefree, in great shape (I mean, come on, I was 18, lol!), and was surrounded by my best friends daily.  It was a fun time and I think my dreams are centered there to help me settle.  Its comforting and reassuring at the same time and I always wake feeling relieved and rested, ready to tackle whatever I need to.  

I usually enjoy my dreams, even if I don't necessarily understand them.  But dreams can sometimes have other meanings and I believe there is divine intervention involved with many of our dreams.  In fact, I believe certain dreams are God's messages, whispered to us by the angels.  Angel whispers are soft and gentle, and they help our thoughts relax so we can sleep in peace, unbothered by the beating of our hearts which never sleep and without the complications of life when we’re awake.  Then, when we awake, we are newly blessed, with the angel’s whisper mixing perfectly with our own spirit.  I think they also often show us glimpses into the future.

When I was pregnant with Case, I am positive an angel whispered to me.  Now, during my pregnancy, I had probably the most bizarre vivid dreams I will ever have in my entire life!  There are three that stick in my memory because they were just so clear- the first 2 were absolutely weird and more than likely hormonally driven, but the third was completely different.  

The first one was in my 2nd trimester and involved looking out our 2nd floor bedroom window and seeing dinosaurs walking through our backyard.  And I mean BIG ones like Brachiosaurs!  But they didn't cause a ruckus or any damage- they were all quiet, peaceful, and just sauntered around.   Yep, that's right- a yard full of dinosaurs.  The second one was in my 2nd trimester too and was a type of "labor dream".  In it, I went in the hospital and when the baby was born and the nurse held it up....it was the cutest schnauzer puppy you could imagine!  All wrapped up in a baby blanket and no one seemed the least bit weirded out.  Um, ok.....lol!  Now, I think this happened because at the time (and still) my little schnauzer Lambeau was the only baby I had and I loved him sooo much (still do!).  Still, after these I wasn't sure what to think.  I figured they were just normal, weird pregnancy dreams that had some involved meaning but frankly, I didn't want to figure it out (it was summer and I was getting bigger and well, I didn't want to think too hard, lol).  Then the third dream came along.  To this day, I KNOW that this was an angel whisper.  

We had decided not to find out the sex of our baby because...well...there are so few surprises in life that are absolutely joyful and we wanted keep God's surprise for the moment the baby was born.  So even though different people had their sure-fire methods for predicting the sex (the string thing, how I carried the baby, etc), I blew most of it off.  Then I had "the dream".   It was at the beginning of my third trimester.  I had not even been thinking about the baby's sex, but one day I had a very clear dream that it was be a boy- a big, healthy baby boy!  From the second I woke up, I knew an angel had whispered to me.  I just knew it!  I decided not to share the dream with my husband (who was convinced we were having a girl...then a boy...then a girl, lol!) because I wanted to keep this little secret to myself.  It felt so special, I was absolutely sure I had received divine news.  From that moment on, I focused on mainly boy names and boy themes etc and on a beautiful fall day, I was blessed to become the mother of...yep, a big, healthy baby boy!  Everyone else was surprised and happy and  I was too in a way, but not in the same way.  I realized I had had a very spiritual, very personal experience and my faith was further reinforced that God and his angels were always with me and looking over me.  It was truly beautiful and something I'll forever cherish, as I do the son sent to me from God that day.

Now as we get closer to our 3rd month of waiting for a referral, I wonder when and if I am going to have a dream of my second son, my other God-sent baby that is waiting for us in Poland.  If I have it, will the dream be as simple and straightforward as the one about Case?  Will there be more information and perhaps even descriptive details?  I obviously haven't had this dream yet, but I'm hoping I do.  I know I can't control when they come and what they're about, but I love the thought that my angels bring me messages of hope and love when I rest.  This adoption journey is so much different than experiencing a pregnancy, but the serenity that comes with an angel whisper is something I would love to hear again.  Until then, I will wait patiently because as I have faith God is perfect in his timing and if He needs me to know something about our new son, I'm positive He'll let me know.  And hopefully an angel will whisper its soft and gentle message in our son's ear as well while he's peacefully asleep to let him know how much we love him and that we'll be coming soon.

Endings, beginnings, and lots of fun stuff in between

Well, the last couple of weeks have been busy and I can see the summer light at the end of the tunnel.  We recently had my son's first PASS testing period- which is the state assessment tests for SC.   He was only a little nervous and mainly about the actually test itself, rather than the material on it.  After the first day (which was math, his favorite and best subject), he took it all in stride.   He also had soccer tryouts and have started making plans for summer.  I'm really proud of him and marvel at how much he has grown this year.  I, on the other hand, have also grown- but in an unexpected way. 

The last couple of weeks has given me a huge reality check as a mom.  For so long, I have held his hand and helped him out with so many things, but during this last week with testing and tryouts, I had to trust his abilities and let go, in a sense.  He is an independent, smart kid and it's not the first time he has done things without assistance.  Its just that with testing (especially the state tests), I realized he was truly on his own.  Parents aren't allowed in their kids' hallways during the testing periods and the conference room where they store the testing material is uber-secure.  Of course, I made sure he had a great breakfast everyday, talked about the upcoming subjects if he wanted to, made sure we played to relieve any stress, and made sure he got plenty of quality sleep.  In other words, I did all I could as a mom.  But then it was all him.  Now, I am sure he did great, but it's a bit sobering when you realize for the first time your baby has to face something completely on his own.  You can review things with them and sooth any nerves they have, but you have to have faith that they are prepared.  

During this same week, Case also had his two-day tryouts for his club soccer team.  Now, this isn't nearly as serious as the testing, but it still is a big deal as the kids get placed on teams based on their abilities etc.  But again, I had to let him shine on his own.  Parents stay on the sideline and the coaches run everything.  He absolutely loves his club and the teams and coaches are phenomenal, many with collegiate, professional, and European/International experience.  And let's face it, there's not much cooler than talking soccer with guys that have heavy English, Irish, German, or Australian accents, lol!  Since Case still plays U-10, the teams are pretty equal; but the coaches still evaluated the players during drills etc. and yet again, it was his moment to perform independently.  I had to again believe I had done my job and that he was prepared.  He, of course, did great and was very satisfied with his effort.  It also provided a great stress release and confidence builder for him during the PASS testing phase.  It's kinda cool to hear kids from all different schools that know each other from the club talking about the PASS tests because they all were taking the same ones, lol! 

And now as we head into summer and the end of academic-related things and sports tryouts, I must face the next step in my mommy-dom- the overnight weekend soccer camp.  I am signing him up with his buddies from the club today and although it's close, secure, and he'll be rooming with his friend, I will still worry.  But I have faith I have prepared him for this next step and he will blossom in some new-found independence and the further realization of the faith we have in him.  Guess it's all a part of being a good mom.  Now, if I can just be sure he'll take a shower everyday after practice at camp......

Quite a week

Well, this week has been pretty event-filled for sure.  It has been world-changing, game-changing, and yet thought-provoking as well.  So forgive me the length as I share my perspective.

Like everyone in the rest of the world, all I could say early this week was "Wow."  Last Sunday evening, it was about 10:35 pm and I was up watching tv.  Ok, truth be told I was watching, gulp, one of "The Real Housewives" shows on the DVR- I know, I know, but I love them for some reason, lol!  Anyway, after that comes on "Watch What Happens Live" with one of the funniest people, Andy Cohen.  Its usually a lighthearted, playful show that recaps the Housewives episodes and is not to be taken seriously at all.  Well, that was until last Sunday.  Amazingly enough, it was Andy Cohen who broke the news that the White House was reporting that OBL (I am deciding to not write his name from here on out because he doesn't deserve to be remembered) had been located and killed.  I heard it, but it didn't quite process.  I thought "I'll just look online and see what the news channels are saying".  Well, when I looked at the computer, Facebook was going nuts!  I saw loads of posts from my friends (not just FB "friends", but my actual longtime friends) about the same thing.  I read them a couple of times- very quickly, mind you- and then I bolted downstairs to our rec room where my hubby was finishing up some work.  I was calling for him and arrived breathless and apparently a little pale.  He looked at me strangely until I said "They found OBL and he's dead".  We kinda looked at each other for a few seconds as it sunk in for him too.  He couldn't believe it either.  I related the other details I knew and then we went out and watched President Obama's news conference confirming it all.  Although the details obviously changed and became refined during the next week (heck, we're still learning more!), the impact of that event did not.

Now, I know 9/11 changed everyone in the US and the world, but for us it was intensely personal, but not in the way you would think.  It wasn't that we knew anyone personally that was injured or killed in the attacks, or even in the military actions that followed.  It was that 9/11 happened exactly 2 days before our son was born.

Let's paint a picture: I was gi-normous at the time, a full week overdue and into complete beached-whale mode when I saw the planes fly into the World Trade Center.  In fact, my dear hubby even thought I was mistaken that morning because, he thought, my pregnancy hormones were apparently making me delusional, lol.  I remember calling him at his office and telling him I saw a plane fly into the Trade Center.  A 737, I said (later of course to be id'd as a 767).  My sweet, patient husband said, gently, but a little patronizing "Are you sure it wasn't just a little commuter plane?" I got a little huffy and said "I may be pregnant but I'm not a complete idiot- I know what a jet looks like.  Geez!" lol lol! Ok, its a bit humorous now, but at the time it was anything but.

The uncertainty and fear that filled those days were so surreal as we prepared to welcome the most precious gift God has ever given to us.  I went into the hospital the next day and Case was born the following morning.  I had fully expected- selfishly now, looking back- to watch movies, Michigan football, and all sorts of things while celebrating the birth of our child.  Instead I watched people pleading for their loved ones, doomsayers, and everything in between; all amongst the most horrific images I had ever experienced.  I experienced the absolute joy and love of my new son and the absolute heartbreak as I saw others who had lost or couldn't find theirs.  It was almost too much and yet I felt I couldn't look away.  I took breaks from the tv, but would ultimately come back since it was all that was on.....every channel....all day and night.  When even ESPN has it on, its a big story.

We all know where we were.  We all know that feeling and still get choked up and tearful when we see images of the Twin Towers, Shanksville, and the Pentagon.  At least I do.  I remember even crying while watching an Elmo eppy with Case a few years later because he went to a FDNY firehouse and I couldn't help wondering if those brave, funny, sweet men who talked to a little red Muppet were gone.  It was awful.

And we all knew who was responsible.  And over the years, we waited and waited.  We trusted our military and our government that they would find this heinous, evil man and bring him to justice.  And yet, the time grew long.  Almost a full decade passed, even more for those that suffered through the US Cole, the embassy bombings, and the first Trade Center attack.  I think many of us had lost faith or let it slip from our foremost mind as the day-to-day things took over.

TSA agent that insisted on patting Case down (this doesn't apply to children under 12, btw).  It meant no one could ever see us off at our gate, that there were ever-changing and confusing rules on what you could take and not take, and overall it made Mom and Dad much more stressed than they had been before 9/11.  People were crabbier, less trustful, and overall wary.  Case only knows this kind of world and its because of OBL.

And yet, as a Christian I struggled with how I should feel about this man's death.  I wanted to be joyful, but the reality was I was not.  I was relieved to be sure.  I was blessed to find a fantastic article by the Rev. James Martin.  Here is the link: Rev. Martin

In it was printed the Vatican's official statement, which really helped me gain perspective.  The statement, as Rev Martin says, "balances the desire for an end to terror with the sanctity of life, no matter how odious the person."  It reads "OBL {my abbreviation, not the Vatican's}, as we all know, bore the most serious responsibility for spreading divisions and hatred among populations, causing the deaths of innumerable people, and manipulating religions for this purpose. In the face of a man's death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion for the further growth of peace and not of hatred."

Wow.  So I have taken a week and after more thinking and praying, I will say I do not rejoice in the fact a man was killed.  I am happy however that this man is unable to do anymore evil and has left this earth.  I leave it to God to enact any punishment and/or judgment against him.   I know there may be others to try and take his place- I mean Satan's army is always active, is it not?- and we must always be on guard.  However, I will now use my energies to try and teach my child to live in a world without OBL, just as I taught him to live in a world altered by OBL since the first breath he took in this world.  It'll be a refreshing change.

How amazing, world-changing, gut-wrenching, memory-evoking, and ultimately cathartic was the aftermath of Sunday night.  And there is a part of me that finds it no small coincidence that OBL was discovered on the same day Poland's favorite son John Paul II was beatified and named Blessed.  Blessed John Paul II was a man of peace and a man that knew when evil must be rooted out and conquered.  Perhaps he had a hand in the efforts that began Friday.  Perhaps that 2nd miracle needed for sainthood occurred right under our very noses.  Quite a week indeed. 

One month gone, but a Happy Easter nonetheless

We have been waiting for just over a month now and while I know that is nothing compared to some, its still a significant milestone for us.  It seems like only yesterday we sent all the paperwork in, but yet its kinda amazing its been a whole month!  Even though the dossier is more than likely still in the process of being translated, I still count this as waiting since, well, we are!  lol  As a result, I figure I will update the blog when we get news (of course) and at least once a month just to check in and let everyone know what we have been up to.

Obviously the most recent event has been the celebration of Easter and the end of the Lenten season.  Actually I am rather proud of my little family.  We made it all the way through without any mistaken meat consumption or relapses regarding what we "gave up".  I always take the challenge of Lent pretty seriously and really try to honor our Lord by keeping my promises, but it seems like for the last couple of years I have forgotten what day it is and had (gasp) some sort of meat on Fridays.  This year though, I felt much more in tune to the process and had absolutely no problem abiding and forgoing certain items.  Could it be because of the monumental step we took regarding the adoption and all the associated prayers for guidance that accompanied?  Probably.  Could it be that each year, although I slide closer to middle age, I am that much more removed from "baby brain" and all the forgetfulness that came with it?  Let's hope, lol! 

Regardless the reason, I am just happy we all took the Lenten journey together and it went well.  Case decided to give up Mario Cart and let me tell you, that was rough for the little guy!  Definitely a win-win as a mom though :D.  Add to that the fact he truly understands the sacrifice our Father and Jesus made for us and it made for a great season.  He prays and feels confident that the Lord will ALWAYS be with him in good times and bad and he has told me us how lucky we are to have Jesus on our side.  So very true, young man.

Easter was absolutely beautiful in the Carolinas and we had a wonderful day as a family.  The Easter Bunny was good and a morning egg hunt was very fun.  We planted flowers (is there really a better way to show rejoicing in the risen Lord and the rebirth and renewal of spring?), had a lovely dinner, and then a sunset cruise on our lake.  Bliss.  It was quiet and low key though because we had just returned from our annual pilgrimage.  No, not any place religiously impressive.  We went on our annual spring break trip to Disneyworld!  Yes, it was busy, but we absolutely love going there.  We stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge and it was fabulous.  

Interestingly, although we had immense fun, it was both exciting and bittersweet in a way.  I realized as we walked around, went on rides, etc that next year we probably might be 4, instead of 3.  I often caught myself wondering what our new son will marvel at in this magical place:  Will he enjoy most?  What will he look like when we arrive on Main Street or watch the fireworks?  Will he want to pose with any characters-Buzz? Stitch? Woody?   What will he think of Toy Story Mania and Soarin' (my own personal votes as best rides ever)?  So many wonderful things to look forward to.  I can't wait!

At the same time, I found it to be a little bittersweet since this might be the last time my husband and I will go there with Case alone.  Don't get me wrong- we are so anxious to meet our new son and Case is totally into having a little brother.  Still, its always been just us and as a result, I think I noticed alot more about Case than ever before and I really tried to treasure him for the precious gift from God he is.  He is so funny, so observant and smart, and I love him with my whole heart.  I really treasured the rides we took together (when Daddy went to the roller coaster) and those nighttime snuggles and hugs.  Its silly, I know, but it also made me realize I have probably taken my mothering time with Case for granted and I need make sure I always carve out special time for us, just as I'll need to with our new son.  I can't wait to spend time with them both and see them interact as brothers :)

So that's about it for us.  And although we continue to wait, I have to shout a loud "Hallelujah" and "Congratulations" to another Polish adoptive mommy, Brooke, who met her precious daughter for the first time recently!  Her pictures were so beautiful and touching that I could feel the love and have no doubt this was God at work.  So happy for them!  It gives me such hope that all of us will be brought together with the children God has chosen for us in His perfect time.  He is indeed our great and loving Lord! 

Until next time, take care everybody and Happy Spring! :)

Well, we're waiting!

The title of this post is for all you Caddyshack fans out there, lol.   And in case you didn't guess, we have submitted our dossier and are now officially waiting!!  Yay!  What a HUGE relief to send Package-zilla off to the agency.  Although we went over the documents we had and what we needed many times (once me, then my husband, then us both...you get the picture), we finally were able to get 'er crated up and in the mail. Woohoo!

      

Here she is!

I realize that the folders don't look that impressive, but the bulk of materials is inside and I took this from overhead to fit everything in.   One thing we were super happy with was our pictures.   After getting advice from many people who have walked this path before, we decided to pick about 16-18 pics of our house and us as a family.  A bit more than usual, but what the heck right?  We had alot to show and it turned out great.  I must give props to one particularly brilliant idea that came from a friend who included a baby picture of her husband, so the Polish authorities could use that as reference.  We loved it, so we decided to tweak that a little and instead included a pic of Case around the age we are requesting for adoption.  We figured he's the best living proof of how Brian and I look combined, so hopefully it'll be a good guide.  So now the dossier continues on its magical, mystery tour to Poland to be translated and then we'll hopefully soon matched with our new son.  Still, its the potentially lengthy wait that seems the most daunting.  

Funny story: when I was in marching band on college, we always seemed to be in long lines waiting for something- whether it was for food, buses, waiting in the tunnel before a game, waiting in the kitchen area of a hotel before performing an alumni concert on a bowl trip (that was a crazy one), or waiting for rides in Disneyland, or on the sideline at Rose Bowls.  You name it, we waited and waited, but happily and peacefully.  "Hurry up and wait" was our mantra then, and it taught me such patience that I often have no issue with waiting in lines.  Who would have thought it would turn out to be a life-changing lesson?

And thus it has been with a good deal of this process so far.  I have still played the "hurry up and wait" game often and have done fine so far.  Yet, I know that this wait is so different and could be a hard one because of the uncertainty.  When I was pregnant with Case, I was cognizant of him growing everyday and he was ever present for me.  There was no doubt that the waiting period was finite.  And even when he was a week late and I was felt like a beached whale, I knew the end was near and I would be able to hold him.  Very unlike this process.  In international adoption, you know your child is in another place and waiting for you, but you don't know exactly where or when you will meet.  Nothing is harder for a mother than to be separated from her child(ren) and the yearning to hold them is immensely powerful.  That makes this waiting so much more challenging and although the pull is different, it is equally strong for me.

So we wait.  And to keep my humor, I think about the look on Judge Smail's/Ted Knight's face when he says those infamous lines "Well, we're waiting!"  

 

Until then, we will continue our Polish lessons, enjoy Case and our family, prepare for our new son, and mostly, pray for all my other adoptive mommy friends to receive referrals very soon!  

Fat Tuesday!

I have to admit, I look forward to this day.  In fact, I lick my lips just thinking about it.  Now, I know its the day before Lent and we should be readying ourselves etc, but I just can't help it.  Why, you ask?
In one word, pączki. 

Ahhh, pączki.....  Those glorious Polish fried dough, jelly-filled pieces of heaven.  And although I miss Michigan and my friends often, this is one day I really miss not living near Detroit.  Why?  Because there is simply nothing like the taste, smell, and decadence of pączki.   These little beauties contributed to many a happy memory during my college years in Ann Arbor as we would venture down to the Hamtramck area on Fat Tuesday or find them somewhere closer and, ohhh...bliss! 

In the South however, people just don't know what they are and look at me with a face of utter confusion when I mention them.  (insert southern accent here) "Pooch-key?  What's that?"  Sigh.  So to help educate the masses, today I took some Fat Tuesday treats into my husband's office.  Because I couldn't find true pączki (ahhh...pączki), I settled on jelly and creme filled doughnuts- not exact but about as close as I could get.  Even though I cleaned the bakery out, I still wasn't sure I had bought enough, so I also got some apple fritters.  Everyone from the billing and telephone staff to the med assistants, nurses, and other docs loved them but....sacrilege!  They almost all chose the fritters!!  What?? I tried to push the pączki (try saying that ten times fast, lol) but alas, these southerners just weren't interested.  Now to be fair, some chose the jelly-filled doughnuts and I told them about the yummy Polish treats, but I think they secretly would have chosen a fritter if I had bought more.  Oh well, what can you do?  lol 

So tomorrow we begin our annual Lenten journey and fast, but today for me, its time to enjoy a treat and celebrate Mardi Gras- literally.  Happy Fat Tuesday and here's wishing I could bring you all some pączki! 

Tak!

This week has been pretty eventful but the most welcome surprise was right in our mailbox today.  Let me set up the scenario-

I may not have mentioned but last week, exactly 3 weeks after we completed our biometric fingerprints, we still had not heard anything.  Now I know the federal government can move slowly and I understand they have alot of fingerprints to process, but I admit I kinda kept that 3 week time frame in the back of my mind and expected it to be done.  I know, I know; but I was trying to be optimistic.

Well, last Thursday's mail came and still no letter.  My husband offered to call the Hague Adoption Unit- the number on the USCIS site for any questions etc. and find out what was up.  The guy was dry, blunt, but ultimately helpful since we found out they had (pause for effect) not...even...assigned...our...case...to...an...agent...yet!  Argh!! 

In fact, they didn't even have record we had completed our fingerprints. (Um, huh??)

And then he said it could take up to 90 days.  (Double huh??)

Brian told him that we had originally applied in early January and it had been 3 weeks since the biometric appointment in early February.  As I listened, I must admit I was peeved, annoyed, and sad at the same time.  I mean how can these federal departments not talk to each other and not know something that was required was done etc etc etc.??  And then to have to wait even longer?  Ugh, I felt so helpless. 

But then a glimmer of hope...

Dry guy told Brian that he would flag our account (in a good way) and make sure it was given to an agent ASAP.  (Really??)  I was a bit surprised, but let's face it, ultimately skeptical.  I figured another 3 weeks, maybe more. 

And then I went to the mailbox today.....

Hallelujah!!!  And the amazing part?  It came exactly one week after Brian spoke to that guy!  I mean, seriously?!  Way to go dry guy!!

And we were thrilled, but Case could not have been happier!  He ran in to tell my husband and insisted I take his picture with it.  Ok, the smile is his standard forced one, but trust me he was giddy!

And you know, I can be such an incredible cynic sometimes regarding our government and is efficiencies (or perceived lack thereof), but I have to truly pick feathers out of my teeth from all the times so far during this journey I have had to eat crow.  But its not my fault.  The US government has this reputation as being sooo big and sooo slow that you practically expect it to fail and have ridiculous delays.  And even more so, we expect the people that work for it to be uncaring automatons that would just as soon blow you off as a whiner, instead of really trying to help make things happen.  In reality, there are some really great government people out there and most are in the trenches, doing jobs that really impact us as Americans in our daily life and our goals and aspirations.  From the passport office to the post office, from the FBI to the Dept of Homeland Security, from the State to the Federal, we have had numerous and often unnamed people give us invaluable help along the way.  Unexpected, yet pleasant surprises?  Obviously.  Providence?  Definitely.  Of that I have no doubt.

So TAK, TAK, TAK! (which as you guessed or know is "yes, yes, yes" in Polish)  We have finally been approved and after one last apostille, we'll send this off to the agency and then on to Poland.  A huge, gigantic step towards our child that is waiting for us to come and bring him home.  We're coming sweetheart!